(a street theatre experience)
DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
A SKELETON (KN) wearing a BROWN WIG and a CAMO HAT, carrying a PHONE and a cardboard AR-15
A CLOWN (ICE) in a black bike HELMET and VEST with ICE emblazoned on the chest and back, carrying a BAZOOKA
An OLD LADY (OL) with a SHOPPING BAG
Various PROTESTORS (PRO1, 2, 3, etc.) in FROG, CHICKEN, T-REX or other inflatable costumes, or fuzzy hooded onesies, holding PROTEST SIGNS
A NEWSCASTER (NC) with MIC
THE PLAY
AT RISE, the PROTESTORS are standing around holding their SIGNS. The OLD LADY shuffles in.
OL: What’s this? A furry convention?
PRO1: No, we’ve been hanging out here every day to yell at ICE.
OL: What did they ever do to you?
PRO1: Last week they kidnapped me from my job even though I showed them my ID, held me for four hours, and dropped me ten miles away. I had to walk thirty blocks to get home.
OL: I’m sure it was just an innocent mistake.
PRO2: Also they disappeared my brother-in-law. He has a green card and three young kids.
OL: Well, there’s probably more to the story than that. Did he have a rap sheet?
PRO2: Three dollars and five cents in library fines.
OL: See? If you want to come to this country, you have to play by our rules.
PRO2: The ICE agent who grabbed him has five restraining orders filed against him for stalking and domestic violence.
OL: Nobody’s perfect.
PRO1: Here he comes!
The CLOWN/ICE AGENT enters, carrying a foam rubber BAZOOKA.
ICE: Make way! Make Way!
He runs over to a random PROTESTOR and bops him on the head with the bazooka. The PROTESTOR falls down, groaning.
ICE (at the fallen protestor): Stop resisting! (To audience) That was a legal order.
OL: What did you do that for?
ICE: Because I wanted to. Also, a Very Important Potentate is coming, so I have to clear out the riffraff. And here she is!
The SKELETON enters, waving the cardboard AR-15 and taking selfies with the PHONE.
ICE: Secretary Noem!
OL: Halloween is early this year.
KN: I love the smell of tear gas in the morning. (To ICE) What’s the report, peon?
ICE: The border is secure, ma’am.
KN: We’re in Portland.
ICE: The border around ICE headquarters, I mean. Ma’am.
KN: Good, I don’t want the cries of the oppressed to interrupt my prayers to White Christian Jesus (TM) again. It ruins the photo op.
ICE: Yes, ma’am, of course, ma’am.
PRO3 (shouts at KN): We hate you and want you out of our city!
KN (to ICE): Kill them.
ICE: Uh…. (leans in and whispers in KN’s ear)
KN (incredulous): You can’t?
ICE pantomimes “sorta” with hand.
KN: I mean, shoot them with the less lethal projectiles!
ICE aims the BAZOOKA at PRO3 and “fires;” PRO3 falls to the ground next to the other clobbered protestor.
KN: Two down, six hundred thirty-five thousand to go.
OL: What the heck?
PRO2: Is this your first protest, lady?
OL: I was just going to the park to eat my lunch! (Holds up shopping bag.)
ICE: She’s armed! Everybody get back!
OL: What? No! See, it’s just a– (pulls out comically large SUB SANDWICH)
ICE (panicking): SANDWICH! (Hides behind KN, quaking in terror.)
KN: What are you doing? Shoot her or something!
ICE: I can’t! You do it!
KN: Maybe if she was in a dog costume.
PRO2 (to OL): May I?
OL (shrugs): Help yourself.
PRO2: Sandwiches for everyone!
All the PROTESTORS take SANDWICHES and brandish them menacingly at ICE and KN.
ICE: Noooooooo!
With a huge SHOUT, the PROTESTORS chance ICE and KN off the stage, then cheer.
A NEWSCASTER appears, mic in hand.
NC: Today was the bloodiest day yet in war-torn Portland, Oregon. (Touches ear.) Wait, I’m getting an update now. (Listens.)
Apparently that was ketchup. (Aside) Who puts ketchup on a sandwich? That’s barbaric.
(Touches ear and listens to earpiece again.) Oh, actually it WAS blood, but just from protestors ICE beat and shot with non-lethal rounds.
(Listens.) I’m told we should call them ‘less lethal’ because they kinda kill some of the people some of the time. (Shrugs.)
In unrelated news, sales at local sandwich shops are up four thousand percent. Now back to you, Fred.
(fin)
A Visit to Portland © 2025 by River Kanning is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International
River Kanning, Writer 